STORIES, STORIES

Jeddah is like THE most happening place that the CAG  has moved here. For Lux.

I met Rascal today. I'm deathly afraid of dogs. Maybe because I never really got to spend time with them growing up in Jeddah. What I knew of dogs was what I saw on TV: cartoons with ferocious dogs, Beware of Dogs signs in movies, and rabid dogs that chase after you and take a nice bite out of your leg for no apparent reason and no provocation whatsoever. Like they're insane. And murderous.  So yes, even though Mike 's dogs were really sweet, my knees were all wobbly from fear.  I'm pretty sure I'll change my mind about dogs, though, coz I felt the same way about cats for the longest time, and now I adore cats. I wanna say that this time around I was more prepared with interview questions for the podcast recording and all that, but we all know I never am. Therefore, a point is lacking. Luckily, there was enough geekiness, inside jokes and general douchebaggery to get us through that hour-long episode. I'll be posting it on the weekend, stay tuned! We ...

At least 3 times a week, there's a football game in the vacant lot behind our apartment. Sometimes, I catch the game outside my window. That's our building 4th from right. What I'd really like, though, is to get a closer shot. My father walked with me to take this one.

I'm not a football fan, but I know footballers when I see them. And we have two on our street. I guess because I'm female (YES, I'M FEMALE), it's okay for me to stalk kids and take pictures of them. They were all, "Yeah, lady, take pictures. Look at our faces. Do we look like we care?", which was funny because I was a bit hesitant about taking their pictures.  They were playing Uno, and the kid on the left was upset that he had lost the previous game, so the kid in yellow was telling him: "It's alright, we'll play another game, you'll win this time. Okay? Okay?"  Kids.

Ultimately, this blog is for shameless plugs of the things I do. Therefore, here's the new episode of That Jeddah Podcast. Click HERE to go to the podcast blog site.

Take Earth Hour one step further. Yes, you're just one person, and you think whatever you do won't make a difference to make this world a better place to live in, but that's not entirely true. We have to do what we can, no matter how small or insignificant it feels.  Small things make a difference. Limit plastic consumption. Don't waste water. Turn off electricity and lights that aren't being used. Don't buy things you don't need. Earth Hour every year is a great reminder. Also, it's a good excuse to get together with friends and discuss its significance. Tonight, we went to Il Villagio on Andalus. They've supported Earth Hour for a few years now, and again this year with a special Earth Hour menu. At 8:30pm, they turned off all the lights and the patrons had candlelit dinners.  It was nice weather, great bread, and great company. Especially since Suhail is back from Sendai, Japan, and he's fine, alhamdulillah. Because it was dark, and night ...

Dear Future Me, Today is called Black Pasta Day because it's a sad, unfortunate day. It's a lot like that day on HIMYM where Robin was dumped by a high school boyfriend. I also declare today a Hollywood Breakup Day. I finally got mine, after an entire lifetime of dodging it. I still say it's a win, even though technically, I lost. So, Future Me, please look back on this day with fondness, not sadness. Also, apart from all that drama, today is called Black Pasta Day because of Black Pasta. Ignore Sharifa 's grossed-out expression. IT WAS YUMMY PASTA WITH SEAFOOD! Future Me, if you order Black Pasta again from Lallo's, it's because I discovered it on this day when I hijacked Suhail's food. ( Check out her blog post about the same day .) And speaking of Lallo's, our favorite Italian restaurant in Jeddah, here's what our table looks like. BEFORE: AFTER: Love, Old Me P.S. I still haven't told Didi, but I might have lost the replacement ...

Diego's happy birthday. The cake reads "Buon compleanno, caro Diego!" which is Italian for "Happy birthday, Don Corleonne!"  Because we know that all Italians are like the characters in the Godfather. Wassuuup?

Wherein Mike is ambushed for an impromptu recording. His blog HERE . Nao. I dunno why these two look so bored. I was a riot.

Hint: It starts with M, and ends with heart disease.

Dear Future Me, Today, Life sucked. Exceedingly. Nothing else could go wrong, because it all has. But hopefully, you are reading this well into the future, thinking " What the hell was I feeling shitty for? " because that would mean that Life does get better over time. And this too will have passed. Win some, lose some. Love, Old Me P.S. Next time, a little less ISO, a lot more composition.

Dear Future Me, 10 weeks from now, you will want to tell the story of how that epic squash game went, and how it all started. Here's the story. I got a message from my friend Abdallah about 2 weeks back. Abdallah: "I heard you wanted to get your ass kicked at squash." Me: "No, I'LL kick YOUR ass at squash." Abdallah: "2,000 Riyals says you lose." Me: "Wait, I just started playing squash. I need to train. Give me 4 weeks." Abdallah: "Take 10 weeks." Me: "......" Now, I don't have 2,000 Riyals. But I am addicted to gambling and taking bets. Remember that bet with Sheri a year ago to lose weight in 11 weeks for a thousand Riyals? The one I lost? Also, remember how I'm relatively new to squash? But who cares about that, hey? I WIN. I HAVE TIGER BLOOD. If I visualize myself winning, I'VE ALREADY WON. So today, I gave Abdallah my response. "When I win, you tattoo my full name across your arm...

If there's anything better than my box in a box (ew), it's A TARDIS in a TARDIS!! This magnificent piece of Doctor Who special has just packed all the elements of awesome into a less-than-10-minutes video clip. My mind is scattered all over the place, blown as it were. Dear Internet, if this doesn't convince you to watch Doctor Who, I DIVORCE YOU.

Because we needed one more.  So, how many people confused King's Speech  with THE King's Speech yesterday here in Saudi Arabia, eh? I loved the confusion on Twitter and Facebook. "Hey, what did you think of the King's Speech?" "It was meh. I mean, it was alright, but I didn't think it deserved an Oscar . You know?" "Oscar? I dunno, some people thought it was good. It's a good change. Not ideal, but not bad." "Change? What is this I don't even ..." Anyway, on with the blogging. Dear Future Me*, Today, we were at Kobol , a cafe in Khalediyah where we frequent to play our BSG games and to generally troll the patrons. We like to go there even though this one waiter we like to call Sourface has, interestingly enough, a sourface on ALL THE TIME. It's like he hates his job. Or us. He punctuates and/or prepends his sentences with "Tsk" all the fucking time. And because we fear waiters, we sit there and quietly t...

I don't like chairs like this. They're very uncomfortable. Not optimum for slouching and stuffing the face with the potato chips. Nevertheless, they're pretty. As is this telephone. Makes me want a cup of tea and a London accent. " SHELLY GODFREY !!"

I remember now why I've always disliked Morning Afters. It doesn't help that I'm not a morning person to begin with. Sun's always too bright and in your face, and the decisions you made the night before come back to haunt you. How often have you face-palmed the next morning? The good news is the rain last night didn't do much damage. Sharifa and I were just discussing how strange it was that it usually rains on the weekend. Almost as if it were planned. ... *cricket*

Most afterparties occur inside a car on the way home. But it doesn't always rain at the afterparty. So I took pictures.  It didn't rain heavily, but it did go on steadily for a few hours (about 6 hours?! I can't be sure), so I hope everyone's doing alright.  I see myself driving my own car in my 30s (which is not for a few years). I wonder if it means I'll be in a different country, or if things are gonna change for us soon here in Jeddah.  Whoops. My shameful secret. (Not anymore!) More like McBlurry. Geddit? Geddit? Lulz. Be safe, Jeddawis.

This week, my brothers and I did more staying-at-home than we have in a long time. This past weekend, there were rumors of early curfews on account of the ill-fated Day of Rage, and then today, the Civil Defense warned of rain and sandstorms that will supposedly continue until tomorrow. As a result, my paranoid parents (seriously, what parent isn't? If your parents aren't the worst-case-scenario-is-the-ONLY-scenario kind, I beg you, tell me of them) were very happy, and my mom's living room was the busiest it's been in a while. We had our 8-year-old cousin Hani spend a few nights, too, and now, he is a master at smack talk. 10 POINTS FOR HANI. Also, a lot of stuffing-our-faces transpired. It's funny to me now, because I haven't gotten on the scale yet, so expect a lot of whining from me tomorrow when I do check my weight. (Advanced Fuck You, Sweet Tooth!) Ayman brought home cupcakes. I don't know where he found this place, but he had "Amo" writt...

There is one reason I'm JUST NOT LOSING WEIGHT, no matter how hard and how often I work out. Well, I lie. There's more than one reason. But here's one: Best part? It's really shitty  cappuccino. Totally not even worth it. Good-bye Crusty coffee. Speaking of coffee, you know how it's nearly impossible to take pictures in public here in Jeddah? And then you know how there are these men-only cafes with nice al fresco seating?  So the other day, I was feeling ballsy so I told my brother to drive up to this one cafe near work, stop the car while I take out my camera and my zoom lens, look one of the patrons in the eye, and just shoot him. I instructed my brother to quickly QUICKLY drive away, just like in the movies, as soon as I get my shot. I'm such a daredevil, aren't I. Here's that shot. Yup. Not worth it either. The funny thing, if I had taken a good photo to show off here, was that this guy (the white blur in the middle) saw me shooting him with m...

"The Search for Great Taste - Ends Here" Don't make promises you can't keep.

The other night, I wanted to reward myself for a whole week's worth of hard work at the gym. So I went straight to KFC. (Kids, don't do this at home.) "Pick-up!", said the drive-by window. With the imperative exclamation mark. Like it's urgent. So I was all, "FINE". I then pointed my camera at the two hot guys inside. This photo taken seconds before they felt the stalker lens I had aimed at them and turned to stare straight at me. I was all: *shrug* WHATEVS. "GTFO" Oh shut up. Like you never stalked hot guys.

One of the best social skills a person can learn is detecting when they are unwanted. Whatever the situation is, whether you're telling a joke that no one wants to hear, or crashing a party, or just hanging out someplace nobody wants you to be in. It's in your favor to know when you are unwanted, and to just leave. Of course the trick is to leave JUST BEFORE it gets to that point.You have to know exactly when to stop so that it doesn't even get to the point where they don't want to hear anything more. The bad news is, it doesn't really matter whether or not you have mastered this skill. At the end of the day, the only thing sadder than constantly having to check if you are unwanted, is actually being unwanted. 

Didi brought cigars that one time, for solidarity. 

IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO READ THIS 169-PAGE BOOK. Why is reading so difficult for me now?! Do you think maybe it has to do with the fact that I have the attention span of a cat? At this rate, I'll never make it to 50 books this year DAMN IT. Anyway, about the book. Here are some fun facts: * I cheated on it half the time: I'd read pages while my mind was off somewhere else. * It's set in South Africa and the UK, so in my head I'd switch "reading accents", both horrible. * Remember The Catcher in the Rye ? The protagonist in Youth is like Holden Caulfield, except he's grown up and he's now in his mid- to late-20s, and he's a hopeless romantic and 100x more emo than anyone I know. * The book is about a young man who is more "technical" than he is artsy, and who has made it his life's goal to become an artist. You know how sometimes, we try too hard to be one thing, and as a result, we fail miserably? Yes, that's what's happeni...

The baby of the family, my sister's son, turned 13 today. THIRTEEN. That makes me... 100 years old. When was he even TEN? How do these kids grow up so fast? He's still a baby to me, and I still call him Baby, partly to embarrass him, and partly because HE'S STILL A BABY TO ME. <3 Other times, my brothers and I call him George Micheal , after Michael Cera 's Arrested Development character. Of course I forgot his birthday again. That's what I do for fun, my hobby, forgetting birthdays. I got a phone call from my sister this morning, and she was all, "CALL GEORGE MICHEAL, IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY TODAY" in that why-are-you-such-a-jerk tone. I was all, "OH SHIT" as I always am.  Our conversation as follows: Me : Happy birthday, babyyyyyyyyyyy. Him : Thank you. Me : What you want for your birthday, babyyyyyyyy? Him : Nothing. Me : How about you come to Jeddah for the summer vacation? Him : YES. Me : Okay, babyyyyyyy, here talk to Ayman. (I p...

As opposed to Player. <3

Even though I've made it this far, sometimes, I'm like a mall bathroom: I've got nothing to say, and when I do, I'm full of shit. FML.

So I'm a little over-impulsive. So I do things without thinking them through, and I write emails that shouldn't have been sent, and I say things that probably shouldn't be said. Sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do. You end up hurting yourself, yes, but you almost always walk away from it with a little lesson learned, don't ya? Like squash. I've never seen a squash court before in real life, except in a romantic comedy montage where Sandra Bullock's character finds herself falling in love with an unlikely dude. Again. And even then, I don't really see the court, or the sport being played. It's always just the two googly-eyed characters bumping into each other after trying to pick up the ball and their hands accidentally touch and then they somehow end up making out. This is not squash. But because I have committed to this gym with my blood, sweat and money, and because Didi INSISTED we could TOTALLY play squash without prior training or experien...