STORIES, STORIES

There are little wisdoms in the things our friends say to us. *** " We make the most of it, you know? We try not to be negative. " - H. , recently, hanging out with other friends. We were both practically nodding off, exhausted, and I wondered aloud why we weren't in our respective homes, sleeping, instead of pushing ourselves for yet another night of almost mindless chatter and merry-making.  *** " I recently realized that it's true, we should be, no we MUST be, honest with our friends and the people we care about, and tell them how we feel about them if we haven't already, before it's too late and we have lost them. I've lost other friends, and I wish I had told them that they meant a lot to me. So yes, I'm not shitting you, you are one of the nicest people I've met in a long time. " - A. , a friend I met about a year ago. I hated his guts the first time I met him. I thought he was sulky, negative, obnoxious, and arrogant. It turned out...

There is so much more to life than staring at your Live Feed and re-refreshing it every so often. *** It's always amazing to find that there are people so much like you, and yet so different. We make friends according to the law of proximity, so that if you look at the people you surround yourself with, it's not so much because you have a lot of things in common, it's because it's very easy and convenient for you all to get together. Chances are, you have ONE thing in common, if that. Which is why I'm surprised I have a friend who is more like me than not. It's a lot like having a sister.  *** I AM a commitment-phobe. This is the longest job I've had in my life, and I've quit so many times throughout the years. I make friends, but they have shelf-lives. I'm afraid of getting re-acquainted with old friends. When I see former students in malls or in restaurants, I avert my eyes and conceal my face so that I won't have to strike up a conversation wi...

In so many ways, we train the people around us. We train them on how to behave with us, how to react, what to do, what not to say. Our friends are so often seen by others, standing behind us, gesturing with a frantic hand drawing a horizontal line across their neck, mouthing "no, stop, don't say it". *** The first relationship advice you are given: "Train your partner. If you don't train him now, at the earliest stages of your relationship, you will never be able to train him/her." The second relationship advice: "Feed him/her scraps. Don't go all out, otherwise, they take advantage of you and walk all over you." Funny, they all sound like you were training a dog.

After spending hours welcoming S & H home, and talking about Southeast Asia, I all too suddenly miss Manila. " But memories are much, much kinder than reality. " *** Every once in a while, I question myself.

40 hours. That's the longest I haven't slept without doing anything, no cramming, no rushing to meet a deadline, nothing. Just a long, blank night-then-day-then-night. This sleeping disorder has been going on far too long now. I haven't had proper sleep since high school. I either sleep too much or way too little (the latter mostly, and the former on weekends). I wonder how much of my lifestyle would change once I fix my sleep patterns.  *** I like watching Brad Pitt act. He is a good actor. I'm not a big fan of his, but he knows his craft.

" Can you hear what I'm not saying? " *** It's terrible not being heard. I've had a cough and flu the past couple days, and today at work, I didn't have much of a voice. A few minutes before class, we were at the usual smoking room, socializing, and as I tried to join in the conversation, I realized that my friends couldn't hear me. I asked a question twice, and they really didn't hear me. We have so much to say, and no one to listen. It's nice to be heard, however mundane your ideas, however simple. It's nice to not be insulted for being who you are, for being recognized as having a voice.  I'm pretty lucky, actually. *** The thing about being sick is that one forgets what it was like NOT being sick. As my cold wears off, I feel myself settling back to the original me. It's like coming home after school.

Sorry for the lag. Sniffles, et al, came to visit and are still around. I love Pandas.

My penchant for drama precedes me. There is a reason for so many of the things I do, and this reason is most probably my desire to be devoid of all "unnecessary" drama, the kind of drama that does nothing but turn people away. There's a reason why I have so many private journals and only one public, why I have so many close friends and possibly only 3 who really know what I'm like, why I detach myself from all forms of gossip or petty talk, why I always step away from a huge group of people. There's a reason none of my friends know that much about my family, or my past, or my other friends. There's a reason only a handful of people I know have access to this dramatic post, why I joke a lot, why I'm very diplomatic, why I'm always careful not to hurt people's feelings, why I'm passive aggressive. I like drama. I love it. But only the calculated, projected kind. *** This morning, as I was making my morning coffee in the kitchen at work, I thought...

Some blah days at work, when I have to teach early in the morning, I feel like she looks. Minus the flat abs. Like today.

"Sometimes, the only way to see yourself is through someone else's eyes." *** It's 4:24 am I can't sleep I keep thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about and in the background I hear the characters of Scrubs go on and on about their epiphanies and I continue to make them my own when I get stuck I keep going to that same place how about Buenos Aires it would be wonderful to see la boheme finally those sunglasses defiant and some far-off sound you can't really make out what do you see when you see children on cardboard boxes sliding down stairs do they ever wonder who their parents were and why they left them one of the boys ran and slipped and look no one even offered to help him up you pass by all those lights and they mean too much.  *** Haha. I haven't done that in years. This one's for you, Edz, and those times we felt left out of the creative process.

Soul Food. My first try at conceptual photography. Nothing impressive, but taking this picture was my first step into something different. I still remember the people who encouraged me to pursue this hobby, something that gives me a chance to say what I can't with words and all that cliche. I've always felt like I couldn't do enough for those people, to give back to them when they have given me so much. Which is why getting a phone call from Mickey after we hadn't spoken in a while really moved me. We talked mostly about his new family, our friends, families. And it makes me happy to know that I have given back to a friend something that he so needs. (Although I still haven't given back his book on Sports Photography which I've had for the past 2 years maybe, but he has all but forgotten THAT. Haha.) Now that we've moved on to other things, other cities, other responsibilities, other priorities, it's nice to look back on how much we've changed, or ho...

I can't believe how hard I'm finding it to just write down my expenses. I'm finding it a little difficult to breathe, and I just want to take my brand new laptop and smash it into tiny white Sony Vaio fucking Olaf pieces. It's such a restriction, knowing I have to curb my spending, and this restriction is making me miserable. It would be easier to understand if I were the spoiled daughter of a ridiculously rich family. Which I am not. Where is this Righteous Indignation coming from, then? I don't know. I really don't. So I work. I don't have any responsibilities right now. I am earning money and I am able to spend this money and waste it. Isn't it my right to do so? If I'm okay with wasting my hard-earned money, and I'm not affecting anyone around me, what's the problem there? If I'm okay with cashing my check and then proceeding to literally burn that cash straight out of the bank, if I'm okay with it, then there should be no problem...

What you fear most has already happened. - Annie Rodgers, The Shining Affliction I'm afraid you are right, everyone. I have become boring.

You know how you know you're older? When you call up all your girlfriends, prepare a picnic basket with homemade pasta and a pot of tea, buy some groceries, and then have a little cookout at the park with everyone's kids or younger siblings. You know how you know you're much, much older than everyone else? When you stay behind and cook (or in my case, pretend to help cook), prepare food, tidy up, and generally protect the "home base". It's maybe a little sad. But we had fun. We met some character, who claimed he could hypnotize us and make us do whatever he wants, but he only succeeded in making us all want for him to leave. But we were entertained. Okay, just a little bit. Highlights: * Bug in my bra! I looked like I was performing my version of Phoebe's mating dance as I ran around screaming and trying to peel my clothes off. It was terrible. (I hate parks.) * A memorable quote from Sally as she lay relaxing on the ground: " Oh god, it's hard. ...

My first day with my new laptop, Olaf. Yes, I name my stuff. It makes for interesting conversation. So far, I'm loving it. I mean, what's not to love? It's brand new, it's bigger (smaller, actually) better faster stronger. It's white. And most importantly, it gave me back the desktop icons I have been missing for over a year now. How did I ever survive without them? *** My father took his laptop back, and is now deciding if he will keep it and give my brother the one he uses, or vice versa. In any case, I've been deleting my files, moving them, transferring my bookmarks, and generally moving-house. I had that laptop on loan for almost 2 years. It made me a little sad, and I had a little montage of the special moments I spent with that nameless laptop. After all, it was the laptop I used to organize my first pictures as a Nikon user. I was on it almost constantly while I worked at the magazine. I typed my very first featured article in a magazine as an editor in ...

I need a little help with this one. I want a smartphone. So what's the best smartphone for a not-so-smart-phoner? *** Earlier tonight, Summer and I went to look at Guitar Hero accessories to get for her sister on her birthday. As chance would have it, the mobile phone shop was next to the game shop. There, I felt a little outdated. All these new phones. Instead of moving forward, I have actually moved back. And so, I decided I would buy a smartphone. I feel old enough as it is. I don't need to feel.. ignorant. Probably the best decision I've made this year is not buying the latest smartphone available on the spot. Even though I feel like shit right now. I realize I don't really need to buy a new phone, and an expensive one at that, but since I can, why shouldn't I? It embarrasses me that I am more concerned about giving in to a very bad impulse to spend my money when I know there are other more important things I can spend it on, when I know there is so much more go...

First of all, Oreo Cakesters are so last season . I love me my Akora. *** Sometimes, I worry so much about what people think of me. Random people, too. Like the waiter who last served us; I wonder does he think I am rude? Or the Saudi couple on the next table at American Corner, especially the lady staring and laughing at us four girls as we ate our dinner (breakfast!), whom I confronted with my fork and a little-too-loud "Is there a problem?" I wonder if I was mistaken and maybe she really wasn't gesturing to her companion at us, prompting him to laugh. Maybe they were talking about something else, and all that whispering while she giggled and looked pointedly at our noisy little group wasn't for us. I wonder how scared that other girl was, as she stared at me while she tried to hide her face, hoping I didn't recognize her as that religious girl who wouldn't step out of any room without covering her face so that men may not behold her. She hid behind her boyf...

I'm not making any resolutions this year, I said. But I am  resolute. About giving up Pepsi. It's the fifth day of my abstinence. I believe that if I make it to the seventh day unscathed, I'd be able to keep it up. I haven't had a bad craving for it just yet (although I've come so close to throwing it all away last night and drinking a whole can with that wild abandon haha), but then again maybe because it's been a little chilly around here lately, and I crave cigarettes more than pop. *** I've also resolved to write everyday. Even if it were about Jerry Seinfeld things, like I don't know.. Pepsi. But something. Everyday. Maybe someday, all this writing would do me some good. Who knows. *** I like vague, subjective sayings. Like " Sometimes, when you can't change something, it changes you. " How about that.

When one decides to kill oneself in the name of honor, to willingly take one's life, is it considered an incredible strength? Or an incredible weakness? Does it not take a certain kind of strong personality to muster enough courage to engineer one's own death, with one's own hands? Or is it not a complete waste of life, a total disrespect for a creation that one has no right to destroy? War movies like Letters From Iwo Jima make me painfully aware of how fragile a person's life is, how much value it carries. In war (movies), they always somehow imply that it is not a personal vendetta against one particular individual, that it is merely a job, that the soldiers are merely taking orders from their superiors. But what is more personal to an individual than his very own life? Of course it is personal. I ponder this, fighting for honor, for a cause bigger than oneself. When it hurts other people, how does it remain honorable? I wouldn't say the film was a truly differen...

My brother Amir dropped by for a visit earlier tonight, with my brother Omar's father-in-law Paul in tow. We all had a nice chat. The hardest thing about dealing with siblings as adults is finally coming to terms with the fact that we have all grown up, and that we now deserve more respect in whatever we do (jobs, raising families) than we ever afforded each other. It's funny, doing that, I feel a little bit distant now that Respect stands in the way. *** Tito  Paul is a nice guy. Middle-class working Filipino, well-read, well-traveled, and very jolly. He has been trying to get my father into the whole technology thing, computers, gadgets, etc. Tonight, he told us he has been collecting audio books he would like to share with us. He talked to me about the Middle East crisis, the recent holidays (he is Catholic), some Maranao friends of his, and healthy food. Meanwhile, my mother in the kitchen, panicking, not knowing what to serve for dinner, as Paul is known to eat certain foo...

"She's so sexy. Look at her body language! All verbs!" - Woody Allen. Anything Else. 2003 Well, you know, it's one of those nights. It's one of those movies. I have always had a liking for Woody Allen, never mind that I cringe just saying his name because I'm just crass like that. Now that I've seen his latest movie, I can't help but talk like him. Again. The thing about me and Woody Allen movies is that I don't really quite remember them. I do remember that I always enjoy them, especially the writing, the script, the dialogue, the cinematography, all that talking, the contemplation. His movies always make me feel like I am just starting my life, that I am this college student in my final years of university, at the very brink of discovery, of a journey, somewhat dark and broody as only artsy, pseudo-creative college students could be, but mostly hopeful, in that dismissing, almost arrogant manner.  My attachment to this one is what it represents. ...