Square Meater [Jeddah Updates]

Square Meater is a burger joint dressed up in cute hipster clothes, like most of the restaurants in The Courtyard. What this means is that this is where you want to go if you're looking for a place to sit and chill for a little bit after you're done scarfing down your fast food, OR if you want fast food and you don't want to tell your friends that you broke down and went to McDonald's. (Bro tip: save McDonald's for your late-night binges and fatass moments alone watching Archer on a weekend.)

Here are other reasons to pick Square Meater for your next restaurant outing, which, if you're living in Jeddah, is probably tomorrow.

1) There's an outside seating area for smokers. If you're not a smoker, at least you wouldn't have to put up with your smoker friends' whining. Just sit back, relax, take in the humidity and breathe in the nasty smell from the sewers of Jeddah (available almost everywhere in the city). Fair warning, though, they've installed those fan things that spray a mist of water to assist in the cooling down of the atmosphere. There's a big chance that some of that water gets on your food and drink, but no one's died of that yet, so it's cool.

In the future, these things will spray poison and acid. Don't get too attached to them.

2) It's not cheap, but it's not expensive. If you only have 50 riyals to spend, you're set. I'm sure one of your overpaid friends (or, alternatively, rich-kid friends, and you know you have at least one of them in your circle if you're from Jeddah) will have ordered more than they can consume, and you can just eat off of their dessert plate.

3) Their burgers are good, but I dunno, I'm kind of a fatass, so anything fast food-y is good to me. I haven't heard any complaints from my stuck-up foodie friends, though, so if I go by that, I'm gonna go ahead and say their food is alright. They serve the usual array of fried sides: onion rings, mozarella fried squares, fried anything, etc. Just don't expect anything fancy or different.

4) It's relatively hay2a-free. There WAS one time a couple months ago when Kalilah next door was paid a visit by the religious police in the afternoon, though, so who knows what places in Jeddah are hay2a-free. Actually, if you're looking for a hay2a-free restaurant in Jeddah, maybe you SHOULD go to McDonald's. I have yet to hear of anyone who got busted there.

5) Novelty polaroid picture! This completes the hipster outfit! For 10 riyals, a nice, friendly lady will take a polaroid photo of you and your friend/s and put it in a postcard-type frame for you to keep as a memory, and/or add to your paper junk.

No, seriously, that was hilarious. The last time I went, the nice lady asked my friend if he would like a photo taken with his wife (me), and while the photo was processing itself, she made small talk with us, the whole time referring to me as The Wife. After a bit of laughing, my friend says, "You know we're not married, right? She's not my wife."

"Oh, I'm sorry," she says, "your girlfriend then." She smiles.

"Nope, not even close."

"Oh, then maybe in the future. Inshallah. You look good together," she said, still smiling.

YOU GUYS. This is straight off a Hollywood romantic comedy! I swear to god it was so unreal I was rendered speechless.

So YES. This is the number 5 reason you should go. To get your very own romantic comedy moment. IN JEDDAH. And if you're lucky, maybe it starts a conversation between you two, and then a video montage of your happy moments together that will eventually lead to that whirlwind romance you have always secretly dreamed of. Also, an extravagant Jeddah wedding.

In the words of the nice polaroid lady, "INSHALLAH."