STORIES, STORIES

For a time, I only went to one restaurant - the one right downstairs the office - for lunch, everyday. My cigarettes in tow, a few copies of magazines and newspapers to catch up, order my iced coffee and Mongolian chicken chop, and have my one hour break from publishing insanity. The owners are a middle-aged Malaysian Chinese couple who also man the restaurant, and who have known me for most of the years I've been here in Malaysia. We always chit-chat about work, a bit about business and politics and current events, and they've always treated me like a regular, which I was. One fine afternoon - and this is a story I've discussed at length with co-workers - of exceptionally stressful deadline-chasing at work, I ran down to Pasta Boy Cafe to chill out. As I sat smoking, a middle-aged guy walks in with his family of four - his wife and two teenaged kids. He sat in the smoking area at the table next to mine, and while his family followed suit, he started coughing wildly and ...

Everybody loves food truck food. Even better, it’s one of those things that people are so proud to declare their love for OMG. I can’t help but hear the undertone of condescension – deliberate or not – when I’m in the midst of friends trying to outdo one another with their love for food truck food along with all the other novelty, kitsch items that our perpetually hipster generation gushes about. OMG YES, I just LOVE being POOR, it’s so BAD , is really what I hear (and also say, let's all be honest). Whether it’s buying things at flea markets, or living without furniture, or driving a beat-up car, I guess we get so tickled by the idea that we’re just not poor enough to have to really, unironically suffer through them. I feel this the most when I get my food from the food truck parked outside our office here in Petaling Jaya, Malaysia. Unlike the food trucks in popular culture, this one is a stark reflection of not only tradition and culture in Malaysia, but also of how h...

Square Meater is a burger joint dressed up in cute hipster clothes, like most of the restaurants in The Courtyard . What this means is that this is where you want to go if you're looking for a place to sit and chill for a little bit after you're done scarfing down your fast food, OR if you want fast food and you don't want to tell your friends that you broke down and went to McDonald's. (Bro tip: save McDonald's for your late-night binges and fatass moments alone watching Archer on a weekend.) Here are other reasons to pick Square Meater for your next restaurant outing, which, if you're living in Jeddah, is probably tomorrow. 1) There's an outside seating area for smokers. If you're not a smoker, at least you wouldn't have to put up with your smoker friends' whining. Just sit back, relax, take in the humidity and breathe in the nasty smell from the sewers of Jeddah (available almost everywhere in the city). Fair warning, though, they've...

It's been a while. I don't go to Teayana as often as I used to. I think there was a point when every Jeddawi and their mom's friend's kids went to Teayana. It's calmed down a bit now, which means there's less "OMG they've taken our spot!" and "OMG I know that person!" and more "Wow, I've missed this place!" and, for me, "Wow, I remember when we first played BSG for 7 hours and I forgot to take my SR230 change back with me so it was like I tipped very generously, because, you know, I've got cash spilling out of my earholes." Remember that simultaneously shitty and awesome day? No? THAT'S OKAY, I'LL TELL THE STORY AGAIN .  This, of course, goes to the Shit We Eat collection.

Workout > thousands of calories burned > thousands of calories earned > burger. For my hard-earned calories, no to McDonald's, YES TO FUDDRUCKERS. 

But in Jeddah, nobody walks into a bar. At least not a real one. Sad face.

The new American Corner on Sultan Street is nice because you have more chances of getting a seat. And the waiters aren't as sourface-y as the ones in Khalediya.  -- BUT. American Corner is really only good for breakfasts. Nothing else.

On the heels of my previous post , I went to the other  Filipino market, the one on Khalediah, with Marj and her husband for a Filipino-food trip. If you're wondering what Filipino food is like, here's a tip. You know all that stuff we call Chinese food here in Jeddah? THAT is Filipino food.  Here's Filipino fast food: JOLLIBEE!!  -- We went to a restaurant behind the Khalediah market. It's called Wajbah and it's all Pinoy. Funny enough, I only saw ONE Filipino waiter here! The others were non-Filipino. This dish is called Sinigang na Baka , I think, and I really don't know what it is in English. (Marj, help?) -- And this one is so yummy but I don't know what it's called either. It's mini spring rolls minus vegetables, served with chili and sweet chili sauce. I had trololoads of fun. We three trolled each other. Just like the good old university days. <3

I am neither a food critic nor a food photographer. But I like to talk about Shit We Eat . This at Piatto, an Italian restaurant on Malik, next to Steakhouse. If you go, don't order the Chicken Penne with Pine Nuts. I discovered that not only is it NOT vegetarian, it also doesn't have actual pine nuts (they were crushed into the sauce. Like, WHY?). Pros: ~ Good atmosphere, very family-oriented, so I assume they can accommodate our lot. There's even a playroom for childrens. ~ Comfy chairs. ~ They serve complimentary salad instead of just a bread basket.  ~ Not as expensive as it seems. 75 to 100 SR per person. ~ Service was prompt. Although the waiter interrupted me as I was ordering to ask me where I was from. MINUS 10 POINTS FOR YOU, BUDDY. Cons: ~ NO SMOKING. Hipsters. ~ Food was meh. ~ Not BSG boardgame-friendly. So, yeah. I'd go there again, no probs.

They don't give us our own lockers at the gym. Instead, we can borrow a locker temporarily each day. I can understand that they wouldn't want to be stuck with a locker that's been stuffed with yucky gym clothes if the owner doesn't show up for weeks, but still. It's annoying. I'd like to have my own locker so I wouldn't have to lug my shit across Tahlia all the friggin' time. -- So hey. How about the Casper & Gambini name change? What you all think about that? It's now Uptown 966. I don't understand. WHY? They're in the middle of the change; their stuff still has Casper & Gambini's all over them. They still have the same food, same servers, same everything, just different colors now and a different name. Also, they now serve shisha .  I am against this. I will continue to call this place "Casper's" in defiance. Here, some photos.  -- Khayra 's cassette tape. NOT! It's her awesome, AWE...

There's this cafe next to Le Notre and Benihana on Tahlia called Paul. It's a fancypants pretty, French place with difficult-to-pronounce menu items and nice, wide tables optimal for board games. Therefore, we like it. I didn't, however, like the manager-looking dude in a suit called George, because he's a dickface who doesn't know what Customer Service means.  We went as a group of about 15 people, and we asked the waiters to give us separate bills. After we had all paid, there was some confusion with an unpaid bill, and nobody was sure who owed it. A normal restaurant employee would try to figure out who hadn't paid their bill and get things in order. George Dickface instead made a loud-enough-for-all-of-us-to-hear comment about how "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ASK FOR SEPARATE BILLS." Ohhhh, y3ni it's OUR FAULT. It's OUR fault that you guys said YES to separate bills and couldn't actually DO IT?  Well, FUCK YOU GEORGE. You're inc...

I hate being a customer. Mostly because I don't have a lot of money to be one so often. Or maybe I'm not often a customer because  I don't have a lot of money. I dunno, really, causality eludes me. I experience some conflict of principle, however, when I am faced with things that I badly want to buy. Like books. Not necessarily for the love of reading, but maybe just for that heady feeling of having something new. I have enough books to keep me reading for at least 2 or 3 years, to be honest, but you know...  There's nothing like spending paper.  -- Virgin Stores, Tahlia. Summer went to buy stuff for her baba's birthday. Maybe it's because I've lived here for so long and I'm so used to what customer service is like in Jeddah (which is really nothing to brag about) that I sometimes forget what it's like to interact and communicate with salespeople outside the country. What's it like? Do the good salespeople in your city chit-chat with you? Do ...

Something to remember when eating at a Chinese place (at least this one): Order to share. No matter how hungry you think you are, you will never have a girlfriend be able to finish one order all by your lonesome. -- Here be Shrimp Balls. They're like mantu , but jazzier. -- I can eat mixed fried rice with no need of accompaniment. -- And now, the grossly requisite Shit We Ate photo.

I strongly dislike restaurants that have the audacity to be pricey when they have horrible service, horrible food, horrible design, and horrible (lack of) maintenance. I'm looking at you Fratelli . I don't care that people rave about your yummy sheesha (shown below with the legendary pineapple, also known as "cheap theatrics to justify 65 riyals a pop"). I'd just as soon go to Crusty, where at least they are honest about the crappy parts of their restaurant by being inexpensive. Humph. Plus, Crusty has wi-fi. --- Michael in a rare moment of delight. That's delight, isn't it? --- I am currently liking this black-and-white business, as you may have noticed. 

It was our own Sharifa 's happy birthday, for whom we wish all the best in the world because she deserves it!  Lia couldn't help but feel just as excited as the birthday girl. Why do little girls all think it's their birthday? <3 We had her birthday lunch at Ara'ek Nakheel, Red Sea Mall. Pretty place, but horrible service. The waiters were bullies: we couldn't order without apologizing first. Apologizing for what, you ask? WE DON'T EVEN KNOW! They just had this "WHAT NOW?!" look on their faces the whole time. The food was pretty good. If you're in the mood for some Arabic, you might try this one. Bring money. Some of us ordered stuffed pigeon (pictured below) which came with stuffed intestines (they like to stuff stuff), and some of us ordered rabbit. And yet some of us wanted to order stuffed infants/babies, but apparently, no, this restaurant doesn't serve any random cute little things. Just.. pigeons and rabbits. 

Don't tell me you're from Jeddah if you don't know what this is. (I want to submit this to JeddahFood.com  as a restaurant review. Think they'll accept it?) As soon as you walk up to this fine mobile restaurant, you are greeted by the cook-slash-waiter-slash-bossman who barks out the menu. This here's baleela  (or garbanzo beans for you fancypantsers). I think they put pickled cucumbers in there, too. Not sure. --- Below: He also makes Yaghmoush  (pastry stuffed with beef. I think, not sure.) and then he stuffs them into a plastic bag, and drowns it in sauce. It's also important to note that this man is evidently married; someone liked it and put a ring on it. --- Here be the sauces. Vinegar, hot sauce, ketchup, pepper, salt, mayonnaise, and repeat. Prices aren't bad. For 9 riyals, you can try everything, and then add a riyal to get a drink. It's usually some juice. Or Vimto -like beverage. Service is quick. Within minutes you're set. I d...