Notes on Running

Notes on Running

by Nessreen

I hate running. 

I mislike all the things about it. The hard work, the mental anguish, the physical exertion, all the emotional pummelling you get when you hit the track. It’s way more than just running to me, it's a constant test. 

When I run, every part of me is fighting to go against all my natural tendencies of laziness and at-rest spoiled-brattery. 

And I suppose that’s what made me take it on. Because I’m nothing if not the kind of person who only knows to excel under extreme, oppressive conditions, whether or not I conjured them myself.

I revel in this oppression, and it makes the end of each run for me all the more glorious. When I’m in a yucky pile of sweat and dirt and sometimes tears, and I play back the distance and speed I’d just covered, without fail – I feel fascinated at how much I could endure.

How much of something I hate I could endure just to reach a goal that no one but myself cares about. 

I remember the first time I hit 25 minutes straight of light jogging at 5mph (4 to 5mph is “I-can-still-hold-a-conversation” pace, and anything after that is a jog or a run). I was amazed. It was 2012, I was 97 kilos heavy at 5’4” inches tall. I thought then that that was it. I’d made it. I could do anything.

Three years later, I find myself running a city trail at 7mph, covering almost 6k in about 40 minutes. I catch myself running uphill at an incline of about 7? 8? I gasp – I’m always gasping for breath – and my fingertips are cold they’re almost frozen, no matter the temperature. I’m always on the verge of dying, just about to pass out, this close to giving up on everything, and then I tell myself:

“This is me now. I live here now. This discomfort, this numb pain in my ankles, this is who I am now. This is my house. This is where I live. This is normal to me. This is my normal."

To me, running is way more than a fitness challenge I overcame. It’s a symbol of all the other aspects of my life that I hate, that I’m uncomfortable with, that in fact I despise, BUT I ENDURE ANYWAY. 

It represents the strength I believe I have, the faith I have in myself to always find good in everything, even the things I hate. 

~ END ~

Nessreen tries to run once to three times weekly. She listens to pop music when she does, and counts it as a win when she doesn't. Read more of her posts HERE.