How's your week? [Jeddah Updates]
The past week in Jeddah:
Hi, I'm your all-professional, fully reliable source for unreliable information in the city, which is really the only kind of information available. Yes, call me The Street Journalist. It's a thing here, everyone is a journalist (and/or a stand-up comedian) in Jeddah now.
Weather
Residents of the city have started complaining of the heat. Seriously, remember this?
It was "cold" for like, one day, two months ago, and even then, my AC was colder. I still have recent photos of my friends in hoodies. God, Jeddawis.
The change in weather has left people distraught; all the nice winter clothing they have bought will now be forced into retirement, or risk having perpetual dark sweat stains around the armpits. And that is unholy.
For more weather news, check Twitter hashtag Jeddah, hashtag First World Problems In A Third World Country.
Raids
The Jawazat Raids are like debutantes this week, the talk of the entire town. Everyone, and I mean ERRBODY IN DA CLUB, has "laid low." This is code for staying home watching Mad Men, The Walking Dead and Game of Thrones.
There are news reports about how the raids are being implemented (or NOT implemented, as it were), but there is a general air of mistrust for the news publications in Jeddah, especially of the English kind. Both of them. The mistrust part is not new, though.
Non-existent studies have shown that in a double-blind experiment, when Jeddawis are presented with news articles from both The Onion and the English newspapers in Saudi, they immediately recognize The Onion articles for their superior humor and basic grammar and reporting skeellz. UP TOP!
I digress, but I did it on purpose. It's a journalist thing.
The smell of added confusion, and fear mixed with sweat in this burgeoning heat, fills the air as the hay2a and/or cops have also randomly stopped people on the streets, in the malls, in cafes, and sometimes even in their homes, asking for identification papers. This is now known as getting "TAFTEESH'D," except instead of Ashton Kutcher, you will find your father in the middle of negotiating with the authorities.
This kind of environment is where urban legends are born. Here's how it happens: a male rumor meets a female rumor, they fall in love (or in bed), and then their gross bodily fluids mix and someone gets pregnant, gets shunned by their family, and gives birth to the urban legend.
The most popular Urban Legend is the one where everyone you talk to knows a CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND whose close personal friend was thrown in the back of a jawazat van and brought to who-knows-where, because illegally working in the Kingdom. Their IDs were also snipped in half. Also maybe their penis, but penises can neither be denied nor confirmed.
But you guyz, it's A CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND of a close personal friend!!
The Crowd Reaction
As expected, there is now a living, breathing rift between expatriates and locals. Saudis are reported to "not be able to look their expatriate friends in the eye," as well as apologize to these expat friends for the situation. Expatriates are reported to have answered with a feeble "It's not your fault," because they suspect all Saudis are jawazat spies. Including their friends.
Also, because all Saudis have this power-tripping monster just waiting to be awakened. It lays in slumber, waiting for the right moment, until it has been goaded to the surface and you hear the Saudi say, "why don't you go back to your country before I help you do so."
In yet other reported cases, there appears to be a group of Saudis staunchly defending the raids. "It's the law, it's illegal. If people didn't want to get in trouble, they can just go and do something LEGAL," said one person. (You don't know who this person is, or maybe this person doesn't exist. Move on.)
"Nobody is ever happy with whatever the government does. If they try to fix the problem, they're assholes. If they don't, they're assholes. Everyone just loves to complain in this country!" complained this person, completely oblivious to the irony.
"We are just trying our best," the person continues. "We should look at the good side of things, too, not just the bad."
"You know what, the Saudis can go ahead and take our jobs. Good luck cleaning toilets and serving as laborers and maids," said an expatriate. This expat immediately shut up as soon as a Saudi entered the room, and ran to get tea for the Saudi.
Also, this happened:
Social
In other news, the Jeddawi crowd is back from Dubai. There were crickets all over the place, and locusts, as the entire population of Jeddah took part in a one-week long mass exodus to Jeddah 2.0 (that's Dubai, dummy) where they are allowed to do normal, everyday things without looking over their shoulders in fear.
"I was walking down the street and I fell to my knees and wept as I realized that I WAS WALKING DOWN A STREET," said one Jeddawiah. It takes so little to make us happy. Come on, world. Give us a break.
That's all over now, though. Welcome home, bastards.
-----
That is all for this week.
Tune in next week for more news updates on Jeddah.
BUT FIRST, if you would like to see more of this, please donate 2 riyals by pressing on the Donate button below. If you don't see it, it probably doesn't exist. Just put 2 riyals in an envelope and drop it at the huge pink dumpster behind Al-Raya on Sari Street. I'll collect them all and then buy myself an iPhone 5.
Come on, fuckers, Kickstarter this shit.
Disclaimer: EVERYTHING ON THIS POST IS (NOT) A WORK OF FICTION. I dunno.
Hi, I'm your all-professional, fully reliable source for unreliable information in the city, which is really the only kind of information available. Yes, call me The Street Journalist. It's a thing here, everyone is a journalist (and/or a stand-up comedian) in Jeddah now.
Weather
Residents of the city have started complaining of the heat. Seriously, remember this?
It was "cold" for like, one day, two months ago, and even then, my AC was colder. I still have recent photos of my friends in hoodies. God, Jeddawis.
The change in weather has left people distraught; all the nice winter clothing they have bought will now be forced into retirement, or risk having perpetual dark sweat stains around the armpits. And that is unholy.
For more weather news, check Twitter hashtag Jeddah, hashtag First World Problems In A Third World Country.
Raids
The Jawazat Raids are like debutantes this week, the talk of the entire town. Everyone, and I mean ERRBODY IN DA CLUB, has "laid low." This is code for staying home watching Mad Men, The Walking Dead and Game of Thrones.
There are news reports about how the raids are being implemented (or NOT implemented, as it were), but there is a general air of mistrust for the news publications in Jeddah, especially of the English kind. Both of them. The mistrust part is not new, though.
Non-existent studies have shown that in a double-blind experiment, when Jeddawis are presented with news articles from both The Onion and the English newspapers in Saudi, they immediately recognize The Onion articles for their superior humor and basic grammar and reporting skeellz. UP TOP!
I digress, but I did it on purpose. It's a journalist thing.
The smell of added confusion, and fear mixed with sweat in this burgeoning heat, fills the air as the hay2a and/or cops have also randomly stopped people on the streets, in the malls, in cafes, and sometimes even in their homes, asking for identification papers. This is now known as getting "TAFTEESH'D," except instead of Ashton Kutcher, you will find your father in the middle of negotiating with the authorities.
This kind of environment is where urban legends are born. Here's how it happens: a male rumor meets a female rumor, they fall in love (or in bed), and then their gross bodily fluids mix and someone gets pregnant, gets shunned by their family, and gives birth to the urban legend.
The most popular Urban Legend is the one where everyone you talk to knows a CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND whose close personal friend was thrown in the back of a jawazat van and brought to who-knows-where, because illegally working in the Kingdom. Their IDs were also snipped in half. Also maybe their penis, but penises can neither be denied nor confirmed.
But you guyz, it's A CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND of a close personal friend!!
The Crowd Reaction
As expected, there is now a living, breathing rift between expatriates and locals. Saudis are reported to "not be able to look their expatriate friends in the eye," as well as apologize to these expat friends for the situation. Expatriates are reported to have answered with a feeble "It's not your fault," because they suspect all Saudis are jawazat spies. Including their friends.
Also, because all Saudis have this power-tripping monster just waiting to be awakened. It lays in slumber, waiting for the right moment, until it has been goaded to the surface and you hear the Saudi say, "why don't you go back to your country before I help you do so."
In yet other reported cases, there appears to be a group of Saudis staunchly defending the raids. "It's the law, it's illegal. If people didn't want to get in trouble, they can just go and do something LEGAL," said one person. (You don't know who this person is, or maybe this person doesn't exist. Move on.)
"Nobody is ever happy with whatever the government does. If they try to fix the problem, they're assholes. If they don't, they're assholes. Everyone just loves to complain in this country!" complained this person, completely oblivious to the irony.
"We are just trying our best," the person continues. "We should look at the good side of things, too, not just the bad."
"You know what, the Saudis can go ahead and take our jobs. Good luck cleaning toilets and serving as laborers and maids," said an expatriate. This expat immediately shut up as soon as a Saudi entered the room, and ran to get tea for the Saudi.
Also, this happened:
Social
In other news, the Jeddawi crowd is back from Dubai. There were crickets all over the place, and locusts, as the entire population of Jeddah took part in a one-week long mass exodus to Jeddah 2.0 (that's Dubai, dummy) where they are allowed to do normal, everyday things without looking over their shoulders in fear.
"I was walking down the street and I fell to my knees and wept as I realized that I WAS WALKING DOWN A STREET," said one Jeddawiah. It takes so little to make us happy. Come on, world. Give us a break.
That's all over now, though. Welcome home, bastards.
-----
That is all for this week.
Tune in next week for more news updates on Jeddah.
BUT FIRST, if you would like to see more of this, please donate 2 riyals by pressing on the Donate button below. If you don't see it, it probably doesn't exist. Just put 2 riyals in an envelope and drop it at the huge pink dumpster behind Al-Raya on Sari Street. I'll collect them all and then buy myself an iPhone 5.
Come on, fuckers, Kickstarter this shit.
Disclaimer: EVERYTHING ON THIS POST IS (NOT) A WORK OF FICTION. I dunno.
I miss Jeddah, and the constant worry and stress of living with documentation problems hanging around my neck.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy it while you can.
*double thumbs up and a huge smile*