You Can't.

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The last thing I need right now is for someone else to remind of the things I want to be but can't. I beat myself up enough about it, I don't need help from anyone to put myself down.

I realize there are so many things I could/should be doing now. Things that I like and that I'm good at, things that I'd have the passion to learn about and TRY to be the best at.

For instance, I could be:

1. A Lawyer. Contrary to popular belief, I think I would make a good lawyer. I know how to focus, I like arguing, and I always look for people's mistakes. I'm always on the lookout for little details that I can use against people, should the event arise that I need to. I wanna be a lawyer.

But I need to go through law school for that.

2. A Film Director (Fine, Assistant Film Director). I think I'd make it as one. I love drama, I love lighting, effects, angles, scripts, delivery. I wouldn't be a very good director, maybe, but I can be one.

But I would have to live in a city where there is a thriving film industry, where I am allowed to grow. Also, I would need to go through film school for that.

3. A Writer. Novelist. Scriptwriter. Editor. Playwright. Diarist. Pro-Blogger. Fuck yeah.

But I would need some form of education and talent for this.

***
In fact, I would go on. Except this entry is not going where I thought it was. I'm beginning to sound self-righteous, arrogant. Which I am, yes.

But the point I'm trying to make is, at the risk of sounding like I'm making excuses for myself, there are factors, reasons why I'm not who I should be.

Maybe I can't afford it. Maybe I don't have enough talent. Maybe I don't have the balls to do any of them. Maybe there is no passion. Maybe I am stuck here, for the time being. Maybe people around me won't let me. Maybe I don't have faith in myself.

But I know I can do any of these things. With the right motivation (competition?). I know the things I am capable of.

But for now, just for now, because I can't defend myself, or justify my loser status, let us just say that I wanna be all those things, and I CAN be all those things...

BUT I WON'T.

Comments

  1. AliaMarch 28, 2009 at 9:29 PM

    you annoy me. no, not your personally, but your defeatist self (you might take it against me if i weren't so detailed). it's annoying and out of date. it's not getting either of us anywhere. what can you learn or benefit from this attitude? what can you teach me from it?

    ReplyDelete
  2. dianaMarch 29, 2009 at 7:13 AM

    Hning. I just imagined myself tearing at my hair and wailing like a madwoman while you throw a bucketful of ice water at my face.

    Good question. Where is this taking me?

    I suddenly had an epiphany here. One that involves responsibility. If I were coherent or articulate enough right now, I would be able to explain it. In the meantime...

    I guess I won't. :P

    ReplyDelete

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