Diplomacy.

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It's very exhausting to be diplomatic at all times. Because isn't it all about restraint, after all? I wonder how much easier non-diplomatic people have it.

I wonder if I should quit being so nice to people. Yes, I am aware of my being nice to people. Very aware of it. Because I make a conscious effort to be nice to people, to make them feel as comfortable as possible. Does that make my being-nice less pure? Does it mean that I am, in fact, not very nice at all, since it is not natural for me?

No, it's not natural. 9 times out of 10, I just want to be nasty and cuss people out. I want to not care if they get their feelings hurt. I want to judge people. It's so much easier to say, "That's just fucking stupid" than "Oh, maybe there is an angle to this that I haven't checked".

The reason I wonder is because I am so hurt so very easily. So many things hurt me. A tone, a word, a pronunciation, a silence, an implication, a look, a gesture, a cough from anyone, everyone, might hurt my feelings. Most of the time it does. I stay awake until early morning thinking about it.

Most of the time, it hurts me when it comes from a person I try my best to be nice to. It's not as if I can stop myself from expecting these people to be nice to me in return. Of course not. I am nice to people so that they are nice to me, not out of a selfless, unconditional caring for their well-being.

I expect some form of diplomacy or kindness, at least the kind that I dole out.

And so, if I just stop being nice, maybe I won't get so hurt so often.

Comments

  1. AliaMarch 28, 2009 at 7:37 PM

    Think lightly of yourself. Think heavily of the world. Practice selective attentiveness. And recognize your PMS cycle.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AliaMarch 28, 2009 at 9:33 PM

    by the way, i just checked last month's entry. you were like this last month too. :D

    ReplyDelete
  3. dianaMarch 29, 2009 at 7:17 AM

    Hning. OMG you're right. Hahaha. And I thought I was exempt from the silly world of PMS cycles.

    It is as you said. I need to walk away from the unnecessary. Myself and my whims and whining included.

    We'll see how it goes next month.

    ReplyDelete

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