STORIES, STORIES

One of my favorite XKCD moments. [ My pal Emad does this all the time. "Hey man, which way to the airpart?" ] A Brief History of Blagging 2000 At 16, I had a secret Xanga account, mostly about how much I hated my parents/family/school, and enjoyed a little audience of angsty teenagers like myself who expressed themselves through glittery letters on their banners.  2001 In university, I moved to LiveJournal where all the "serious writers" lived. Here I posted entries I had zero balls to present in writing workshops and courses. I'd gotten over publicly ranting about my angst, but just by a little bit. 2002 I discovered Blogger and caught the fresh-start bug. Fresh-start here means a brand new blogging template/platform. I started sharing posts with people I knew in real life. It was mentally draining. 2005 I moved back to Jeddah. Which meant another fresh-start. New blog, new template, new posts. My entries were regular, "spontaneou...

Square Meater is a burger joint dressed up in cute hipster clothes, like most of the restaurants in The Courtyard . What this means is that this is where you want to go if you're looking for a place to sit and chill for a little bit after you're done scarfing down your fast food, OR if you want fast food and you don't want to tell your friends that you broke down and went to McDonald's. (Bro tip: save McDonald's for your late-night binges and fatass moments alone watching Archer on a weekend.) Here are other reasons to pick Square Meater for your next restaurant outing, which, if you're living in Jeddah, is probably tomorrow. 1) There's an outside seating area for smokers. If you're not a smoker, at least you wouldn't have to put up with your smoker friends' whining. Just sit back, relax, take in the humidity and breathe in the nasty smell from the sewers of Jeddah (available almost everywhere in the city). Fair warning, though, they've...

I am a smart person. I am. I promise you. I am inquisitive, self-aware, self-motivational, proactive, articulate, contemplative and focused. Those are also all the reasons why I am so, so profoundly stupid. I inspire the best Jim Halpert break-the-4th-wall face in my brothers and my guy friends. The Jim Face is the male equivalent of eye-rolling.  I like to think they adore me because of it. I HAVE A CUTE DUMBASS QUIRK IN MY PERSONALITY, YOU GUYS! At the sports shop, I asked my fitness and shoes-obsessed brother Othman to help me pick out good running shoes.  Othman : "This pair is good. It's for your gym training, and it's light for your running days, has good support and cushion, and it's water-proof-ish for the rainy weather you're gonna be living in."  Me : "Yeah, no, I don't like it. I want something pink."  Othman : *Jim Face*  Me : "Yeah, that pink one, it's pretty. I'm sure it's good. It's Nike. I...

I've talked about 'balance' before - how I deal with my obsessive tendencies - how, if one part of my life is insanely organized, there's surely another part that's crumbling (presumably absorbing the blow). The past 6 months I've been doing so well with managing my projects and my hobbies. Here's why: There's books, office supplies, beauty products, fashion accessories, magazines, and (not in picture, bottom shelf) shoes on there.  I'm not a hoarder, which is why I'm not sentimental (or maybe the other way around), but since I organized this dark corner of my life, I've discovered that in fact, I am  kind of a hoarder. I counted 71 unread books from this shelf (out of 160+ total books). It took me about 2 or 3 years to get to the above photo, and just 4 hours to get to this one: I'm kind of a dick about sentimentality and have no qualms about chucking things out, so I established some rules so that in the event ...

Jeddah is fantastic for many reasons. Life is easy, it's relatively safe, you don't pay taxes, many people speak English if you don't speak Arabic, and there are so many interesting people to meet. Make the most out of your stay with these tips and tricks. DISCLAIMER: Jeddah is just as horrible as it is fantastic. There is no such thing as "normal" over here. 1) Know how to get a feel of your surroundings. There are peak hay2a seasons. You'll know when this is because people don't shut up about it. It's usually during the spring break, Ramadan and Hajj breaks, and, actually any random time, when the religious police are on the prowl. Actually, there's no way of knowing when this happens. Sorry, I can't actually help you here. 2) Customer service sucks so much ass here. Asking to speak with the manager is not always effective; and sometimes, you're ALREADY speaking to the manager and he treats you like shit. I've found that if you...

Why isn't George St Pierre everyone's personal fitness motivator? No, seriously. GSP is a monster . I got into a conversation with Abdullah [of The Order ] about what it is that motivates us where our fitness goals are concerned. Here are mine: 1) Mostly sportswear ads . It takes less less than 2 minutes - the average length of a sports drink or sportswear ad - to get me all pumped up for a grueling hour of workout. It doesn't matter if it's a video of guys or girls working out, just seeing these people choreographed to work out reminds me of the kind of work it takes to get to where I want to be. If I'm honest to myself, of course the music, the make up and the videography has a lot to do with it. How can you resist the temptation of believing  you look just as glamorous and "locked in" as these people when you're  working out? Go get a few overpriced Nike shirts and shoes, while you're at it. Yay consumerism. Hey, if it helps you...

This week in Jeddah. Oh, hai. You came back for Jeddah updates. Good. Now pledge 2 riyals to keep this blog going, just like these nice people did . Health Everyone remembers that fateful day when the smoking ban was finally implemented all over Jeddah. The city was deserted, with only the sound of the whispering wind and a couple of tumbleweeds populating the streets and the cafes as people stayed home and exercised their god-given right to acquire lung cancer. Jeddah in October 2012. Photo credit: The Interwebs. Times are a-changing, however. There are hushed tones of delight as Jeddawis whisper to each other which cafes and restaurants have started allowing indoor smoking. "I know I always complain about how we have problems with following up on rules that we implement, but this time, I celebrate it. GOOD JOB, AUTHORITIES!" said one person. Not surprisingly, this person is in fact not a smoker. But thanks to the lax nature of rule implementation in Je...

Now that we've desensitized ourselves from the ridiculousness of first world problems (and squeezed out whatever funny it had), I'm gonna assume it's safe to have full-on blog posts about them. Yesterday, in a stroke of pre-planning genius, I decided to get my air conditioner cleaned in preparation for summertime, when ACs kingdom-wide unanimously decide to die in the middle of the hottest day ever. This year, I'll be prepared, says I. I own a fairly new but old-school Samsung air conditioner, probably not good for the environment, probably doesn't perform as well as it should. I don't know what the model or make is, I just know it exists. My AC is important to me because it helps me wear winter clothing (I put it on full blast). So I got my dad to call up the neighborhood AC people to do a full check-up on my AC, give it a nice hosing down, and then put it back on in exchange for peanuts. That's how we roll in bad parts of the neighborhood, yo. ...

The past week in Jeddah: Hi, I'm your all-professional, fully reliable source for unreliable information in the city, which is really the only kind of information available. Yes, call me The Street Journalist. It's a thing here, everyone is a journalist (and/or a stand-up comedian) in Jeddah now. Weather Residents of the city have started complaining of the heat. Seriously, remember this? It was "cold" for like, one day, two months ago, and even then, my AC was colder. I still have recent photos of my friends in hoodies. God, Jeddawis. The change in weather has left people distraught; all the nice winter clothing they have bought will now be forced into retirement, or risk having perpetual dark sweat stains around the armpits. And that is unholy. For more weather news, check Twitter hashtag Jeddah, hashtag First World Problems In A Third World Country. Raids The Jawazat Raids are like debutantes this week, the talk of the entire town. Everyone, and I...

Every once in a while, like the gangsta I am, I drop Gs at the bookstore, and then just hope I got books that are worth it. I got The Holographic Universe for SR 60 at Virgin Megastore (you guyz, remember when a paperback cost SR 39 at most?), and it was well worth the money. I mean Gs. Mr. Shakur!! *shakes fist* My interest in Physics started last year when I found myself constantly surrounded by conversations on the topic, thanks to friends like Omair , Faisal and Squeek .  I then decided to write a novel loosely based on general physics, a ballsy move considering the only background I had on it was 2 years of the high school subject, from which I remember almost nothing.  I read several introductory books on it, like Stephen Hawking's The Grand Design and Michael Brooks' 13 Things That Don't Make Sense , and found it a little fascinating.  Probably like most people who read that Michael Brooks book, I tried to find different ways to explain the ...