What Confidence [Fitness]
I haven't been doing very well on my workout and fitness goals the past few weeks.
I went through my Fitness Motivation Files to help me get back on my regular 1-hour 6x a week workout schedule and a normal diet (as opposed to freestyle bingeing), and I found there was almost nothing there that could get me back going. Except one thing.
Confident or Confused?
One of the arguments I made as to why I have abruptly put my fitness goals on hold is that I've suddenly "become confident about myself". But am I really?
I've never had any real problems with my physical appearance, even though "in theory"(major air-quotes), I should: I have unmanageable frizzy hair that is made even worse by the imperfect shape of my head, causing my weak curls to sit awkwardly on top of it, my face is on the unattractive side of ethnically ambiguous and/or Asian, I have alternately dry and oily uneven skin that causes my T-zone to Shine Bright Like a Diamonddd and, at the same time, display unearthly old-age wrinkles and lines, and being generally overweight has paved the way for stubby, undelicate hands, a midsection disproportionately large for my shockingly small hips and lower body, an unnaturally round face (it's originally oval-shaped), and flabby arms that beg to be covered lest they offend anyone.
I've never heard any negative remarks about the way I look, not because they've never been said, but because it has always mattered so little to me that I just don't hear them. I've been insecure about my personality, and my brains and skills (and lack thereof), sure, and I've overcompensated so much on both for so long it's become the focus of my entire existence.
So you can imagine how weird it is for me now that I suddenly "hear" the negative remarks even when they're not being said.
I started out on my fitness journey so healthily - I worked on benchmarks and fitness goals instead of my weight, I cut down on food intake by just a little bit instead of going on an insane diet I could never sustain, and I measured my progress by my dress size. My health was my motivation - that I could run for an hour straight was its own reward, my heart in good condition, my strength in check, clean blood in my veins.
Paradigm Shift
None of that is enough anymore. This is a different demon. It's internal, more than anything, a dialogue I've started within myself.
Now that I know for sure that people listen to what I have to say regardless of my appearance, I wonder if I could up the ante if I LOOKED BETTER.
Maybe if I styled my hair more often, wore more makeup, dressed better, accessorized, became slimmer and more aesthetically pleasing - BECAME AN OBJECT OF DESIRE - an object! maybe then I will get better at life. Maybe if I had zero fat percentage, maybe I would command more respect. Maybe then I'd finally find the guy so dazzled by the perfect package of ME AND MY OUTWARD APPEARANCE that he sees past all this crazy and gets tricked into thinking I'm normal, that he'd fight to be with me and oh the validation and happiness I'd accrue then! Maybe then my society wouldn't think I'm such a failure for getting this far, this old, this undesirable. Maybe then people would stop assuming I'm lesbian. Maybe then people would actually make an effort to treat me better, maybe they'd stop being so racist, so demeaning, so belittling.
Maybe they'd all sit up straighter when I speak and actually LISTEN to me. Maybe my voice will get louder and more resounding, inspiring, purposeful, so on, and so on. Maybe then I'd actually be important and have a purpose.
The fact is, I feel guilty just thinking these thoughts, because I know they are ridiculous. They are so far from who I am, from all the things I stand for and believe in, so far from my goals in life, and yet there they are.
In fact, these thoughts, of achieving Object of Desire Status, is where I lean towards for motivation. I would be in bed eating chips watching my shows for hours on end, then suddenly think: "I need to get off my fat ass and get working so I can attain this."
DO THE MEANS JUSTIFY THE END?
Is it better that I stay fat with my values intact? Or is it better that I get fit with skewed intentions and goals? And no, there is no middle ground. I don't speak that language anymore, apparently.
Overthinking
Of course I'm not (completely) stupid. This whole speech is a result of overthinking, hashing and re-hashing, and in fact, maybe it is just a much more philosophical and sophisticated excuse to not work out.
I still can't deny the fact that these thoughts are parked in my brain at the moment. Our self-image, our bodies, our appearances, however much we push it down to the lowest rung of priority, is still there.
Maybe the only way to silence these evolved demons is to just give in to them.
I went through my Fitness Motivation Files to help me get back on my regular 1-hour 6x a week workout schedule and a normal diet (as opposed to freestyle bingeing), and I found there was almost nothing there that could get me back going. Except one thing.
Confident or Confused?
One of the arguments I made as to why I have abruptly put my fitness goals on hold is that I've suddenly "become confident about myself". But am I really?
I've never had any real problems with my physical appearance, even though "in theory"(major air-quotes), I should: I have unmanageable frizzy hair that is made even worse by the imperfect shape of my head, causing my weak curls to sit awkwardly on top of it, my face is on the unattractive side of ethnically ambiguous and/or Asian, I have alternately dry and oily uneven skin that causes my T-zone to Shine Bright Like a Diamonddd and, at the same time, display unearthly old-age wrinkles and lines, and being generally overweight has paved the way for stubby, undelicate hands, a midsection disproportionately large for my shockingly small hips and lower body, an unnaturally round face (it's originally oval-shaped), and flabby arms that beg to be covered lest they offend anyone.
I've never heard any negative remarks about the way I look, not because they've never been said, but because it has always mattered so little to me that I just don't hear them. I've been insecure about my personality, and my brains and skills (and lack thereof), sure, and I've overcompensated so much on both for so long it's become the focus of my entire existence.
So you can imagine how weird it is for me now that I suddenly "hear" the negative remarks even when they're not being said.
I started out on my fitness journey so healthily - I worked on benchmarks and fitness goals instead of my weight, I cut down on food intake by just a little bit instead of going on an insane diet I could never sustain, and I measured my progress by my dress size. My health was my motivation - that I could run for an hour straight was its own reward, my heart in good condition, my strength in check, clean blood in my veins.
Paradigm Shift
None of that is enough anymore. This is a different demon. It's internal, more than anything, a dialogue I've started within myself.
Now that I know for sure that people listen to what I have to say regardless of my appearance, I wonder if I could up the ante if I LOOKED BETTER.
Maybe if I styled my hair more often, wore more makeup, dressed better, accessorized, became slimmer and more aesthetically pleasing - BECAME AN OBJECT OF DESIRE - an object! maybe then I will get better at life. Maybe if I had zero fat percentage, maybe I would command more respect. Maybe then I'd finally find the guy so dazzled by the perfect package of ME AND MY OUTWARD APPEARANCE that he sees past all this crazy and gets tricked into thinking I'm normal, that he'd fight to be with me and oh the validation and happiness I'd accrue then! Maybe then my society wouldn't think I'm such a failure for getting this far, this old, this undesirable. Maybe then people would stop assuming I'm lesbian. Maybe then people would actually make an effort to treat me better, maybe they'd stop being so racist, so demeaning, so belittling.
Maybe they'd all sit up straighter when I speak and actually LISTEN to me. Maybe my voice will get louder and more resounding, inspiring, purposeful, so on, and so on. Maybe then I'd actually be important and have a purpose.
The fact is, I feel guilty just thinking these thoughts, because I know they are ridiculous. They are so far from who I am, from all the things I stand for and believe in, so far from my goals in life, and yet there they are.
In fact, these thoughts, of achieving Object of Desire Status, is where I lean towards for motivation. I would be in bed eating chips watching my shows for hours on end, then suddenly think: "I need to get off my fat ass and get working so I can attain this."
DO THE MEANS JUSTIFY THE END?
Is it better that I stay fat with my values intact? Or is it better that I get fit with skewed intentions and goals? And no, there is no middle ground. I don't speak that language anymore, apparently.
Overthinking
Of course I'm not (completely) stupid. This whole speech is a result of overthinking, hashing and re-hashing, and in fact, maybe it is just a much more philosophical and sophisticated excuse to not work out.
I still can't deny the fact that these thoughts are parked in my brain at the moment. Our self-image, our bodies, our appearances, however much we push it down to the lowest rung of priority, is still there.
Maybe the only way to silence these evolved demons is to just give in to them.
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