The Chappelle Dilemma.
We've all heard about how Dave Chappelle walked out of his show after he was offered that $50 million dollar deal. Some years back, he talked to TIME about the reasons behind this.
Its common practice for artists of all kinds to feel the need to step back from the limelight that they so desired in the beginning. This fame is usually what motivated them to work harder, to produce better work, to improve themselves in their craft, to begin with. The thought that they may be acknowledged for their work finally, that they be credited for this sheer genius that no one seems to be noticing, this becomes the main goal.
That goal is mine, too. I write to be noticed. I write for all that attention. Any comment, any activity on my website, is welcome. I write and re-write, I draft, I try out jokes on my friends, I take creative writing exercises to earn more readers.
However, it is common practice for me as well to retreat after a certain number of people read me. To be so suddenly pushed into the limelight (and the limelight does not do the whole slow-progression, it's always sudden) is just too overwhelming. As a writer, I always calculate and anticipate my readers' reactions.
I guess this is where the paranoia comes in. When I write something with the intention of being funny, I expect (and hope) my readers to laugh. What I don't realize is that expectations change when your audience reacts exactly you expected them to. As soon as my readers laugh, I then question what they are laughing about. Are they laughing at what I said? Was it really that funny? Or are they laughing AT me? Did they get what I just said? No, I mean, did they REALLY get that last joke?
I love getting compliments for my (formal/published) writing. That's like getting paid for doing something you like to do, except better. However, I am very suspicious about people who come up to me and say things like "Oh wow, you are AMAZING." I mean, whoa. I know I'm amazing. How do YOU know? Have you seen my work? Have you read my blog?
Chappelle sums it up in his bumbling statement: "I have to think about my intentions, man. It's all about intentions."
I guess it is very important as writers, as artists, heck, as bloggers, that we re-think our intentions on a regular basis. You might be surprised what you find.
Most of the time, the fame is just a nice bonus that you would like. I find that my main goal isn't really to be popular, it's that my message is put across, and that people hear and understand what I am trying to say, funny or otherwise.
I remember my brother saying that to you, the first time he met you. "Oh, you wrote that article on that magazine? Man, that was an awesome piece."
ReplyDeleteThought I saw you wince and brush him off, but how could you? Well, now I know. :D
I seem to go through this all the time, especially because I'm not that good. One day I got out of a dream at 03:00 and went to write a similar article. Closed it with: "Doggamit, I ain't that good a writer, so might as well try something else!"
For what it's worth, your writings have been published on formal media. Your work have walked on lands outside the blogosphere. You have become immortal - for as long that a copy of your publications haven't been turned to compost. And that's something worth holding on to, you know, for intentional relapses.
And you write with heart. So if it's not about the money, is it about the comments? Or the traffic? Or the need to write, in spite of all?
Loving you,
you ARE amazing! i just know...
ReplyDeleteba aden a pangingilek a di amazing?! hehehe:)
hning:
ReplyDeleteI remember that day Anggi came up to me and said that. I was actually quite flattered because I had heard a lot about Anggi himself, and when the compliment comes from an artist, why, let's just say I blog about it afterwards.
Every time I write, or blog, or even update my private journal, I ALWAYS, without fail, get that sinking feeling that I will never be a good enough writer, never as good as I'd like to be. I always feel like I'm adjusting to someone, trying too hard to please someone else besides myself. It comes with being a writer, I guess, because this craft depends so much on the "outsiders", the readers. I take every criticism to heart, and 10 thousand times more so every compliment. This is why I always find myself questioning my readers; "Did they really get it? That laugh, was that for what I meant to say, or were they laughing at something else?" It's an understatement to say that I am obsessed with feedback.
As a result, there always comes a time that I pull away from it. The saddest part is, all the stuff I've written that I would consider remotely good enough are the ones that I would never publish.
It's never about the money. It's always for the attention.
Thanks for indulging me. Your presence here is always a validation.
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babypink:
HAHAHA basta a pangingilek na mapasang!! Miyati a alongan a da ka makasurat. Nanayawn akn ska. :D